The Chief Usher

I need to get my usher outfit right!

Saints and ain’ts I almost joined the church usher board because I thought it would help me reach my latest career goal – White House chief usher. This position was just calling to me. Obviously church would be the best practice spot.

I had never even heard of chief usher until a few days ago. I was perusing an Essence Magazine photo gallery showing “29 POWERFUL BLACK WOMEN CALLING THE SHOTS IN THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION.” Among the directors, assistants and advisors was that oh so special position of chief usher.

Despite certain sources saying I never did anything in church growing up, I was (self-appointed) vice president of the youth usher board. I know how to pass out a tithe envelope or program, direct people around the offering table and all-around greet people with a welcoming smile. Clearly chief usher would be a cake walk for me.

Immediately I had a vision of me sashaying through the corridors of the White House in white gloves ready to pass out fans when it felt too hot. There would be no party crashers as I led people to a seat during special events. And my usher board would showcase a dignified capitol stroll during the offering, or at a fundraiser, with one hand behind our backs. As chief usher, my board would have a different uniform for every season and occasion. Church usher boards are always snazzy dressers, so I expect no less as chief usher.

In my mind, chief usher was essentially the usher board president to end all usher board presidents. Not only would I be at the door to direct other ushers to their positions, but I would get to let the pastor, err I mean president, out the doors first so he could greet all the people. All I needed to do was make this dream a reality, and the first step was research.

Good thing I actually looked up what the position entailed. The chief usher is actually the head of household staff and operations at the White House. My head started hurting from reading the job description. And none of it included passing out fans with a funeral home on the back (they might, but it is highly unlikely). And most head ushers stay in the position for at least 20 years. So yours truly will not be packing up and moving to D.C. anytime soon to become head usher. Maybe I’ll still join the usher board at church, or at the very least the greeters, just to participate in their offering promenade.

Am I the only person who didn’t know the White House had a chief usher? What are your thoughts about church ushers?