the professional mourner

All these years I’ve been wasting my talents. I’ve officially found my niche in life – a professional mourner. You have the funeral, and I’ll bring the tears. To think I’ve missed out on this particular career path for so long.

The other day I saw a clip for TLC’s new show “Best Funeral Ever.” It showcased a professional mourner’s class. According to the instructor, yes there was an instructor, families might need help getting the emotions started at the funeral of a loved one. Or there might not be anyone who is willing to shed a tear at the funeral. That’s where a professional mourner comes in.

Something tells me I could be a natural as a professional mourner. I’m a fairly empathetic person. If someone starts crying around me, I will automatically tear up as well. And funerals by nature are sad events. All I have to do is think about a deceased loved one and the waterworks will begin.

But wait there’s more. This profession calls to my soul because of the dramatics. Oh yes, there are mourning feet and tornado mourning techniques to display at someone’s service. I could not make this up if I tried. And of course somebody has to get slain in the spirit in the pew or lay on the casket wailing. I am going to start working on crying out, “Why?”

My professional mourning services will be legendary. Everyone will want to have me at their funeral. For a fee they can get all the tears they want for two hours. Family and friends of course will get the free rate. All I need to know is how does one break into this industry?

Perhaps I need to link up with a funeral home. Maybe I’ll start going to random funerals and displaying my talents. Then the funeral directors will be coming to me. Of course I’ll need to expand my funeral wardrobe. I need more black dresses, some hats, a hanky or two and even gloves. I might even add a doily to the rotation. I hope they add “Best Funeral Ever” to Netflix. This is definitely one show I am going to want to watch.

What do you think about professional mourners? Would you pay for one?