Happy New Year to me

It's my birthday! The Lord has blessed me to see another year. I say my new year starts on my birthday considering it's so close to the actual start of the official calendar year. 

The Chief Usher

I need to get my usher outfit right!

Saints and ain’ts I almost joined the church usher board because I thought it would help me reach my latest career goal – White House chief usher. This position was just calling to me. Obviously church would be the best practice spot.

badonk-a-donk blues

Too much booty in the pants has never been a problem for me. Somehow I managed to inherit big boobs and wide hips from my family. But not the bouncy butt everyone else seems to have. My butt is wide and flat as a pancake. You can’t bounce a penny or anything else off of it. And of course family members and friends love to let me know about my butt or lack thereof just in case I thought for a second I was bootylicious.

Another PK rant

The PK struggle is real. I thought it got a little bit better once you're older, but folks keep doing things to irk me. Perhaps the problem is I don't call them out on it. I need to stop being passive and let them know how I feel. The main reason I don't really say anything when a person tries me is because I know I'm easily irritated and petty. It is my responsibility as a person with Irritable Personality Syndrome to not go off all the time. Honestly some of the things people say are jokes meant with no malice. But 30 plus years of the same bad jokes makes the hidden dragon come out.

packing habit

In exactly one week yours truly will be sailing the high seas for a five-day cruise to the Western Caribbean. I'm leaving from Miami and heading to Key West and Mexico. The packing process has already started in anticipation of the event.

Once upon a time I used to be the person who packed at the very last moment. And by last moment I mean an hour or so before I was supposed to leave. Surprisingly I never forgot anything important. Granted there were a few occasions my last minute packing caught up with me and I had to break down and buy something I already had a gazillion of at home. I blame my parents. They pack hours before leaving. Needless to say I copied their example for many years.

It wasn't until August 2012 I started to get into the habit of packing in advance. My best friend and I were going on a cruise. It was my first cruise ever. I packed a couple of days in advance for fear of leaving something that I wouldn't be able to find on the seven seas. By the time my Europe Trip in 2013 rolled around in March I had packed almost two weeks in advance. Now at the very least  I pack a week in advance for a trip.

Packing for a major trip makes me excited. Sometimes it's so much excitement that I forget something. So it's a good thing I pack well enough in advance, complete with lists to check off, to make sure I have it all together. Heaven forbid I  end up ready to board a plane or the boat and realize my passport was left behind.

Character costumes

I would make a great Susie!

In just a few short days Halloween will be here. I plan on enjoying Fla-Ga festivities in Jacksonville instead of passing out candy to the kids this year. And right now I have no immediate plans for really dressing up.

Grief Etiquette 101

I took a break (again), but I’m back. Let Writing Wednesdays resume once more.

Unfortunately I’ve had to work through grief over the past few months due to the passing of my beloved grandma. This isn’t the first time a loved one has passed away, but quite naturally it hurts deeply to the core of my heart.  I’m finally coming to terms with my grief thanks to lots of prayer, grief counseling, and the support of family and friends. However, I cannot come to terms with the blatant ignorance of grief etiquette I’ve experienced. If my grandma was here, we would probably sit at her kitchen table and discuss the offending parties. Alas and alack she is not. Instead I must write about it. It’s almost as if the world needs an etiquette book on dealing with a bereaved family. If I wrote such a book, a few chapters would look something like this:

Chapter 1: Your maid doesn’t live here.

Don’t ask a member of the bereaved family to prepare your plate when you come to “comfort” them. At one point I was ready to snap on people visiting the family because they kept sending me to get something.  Apparently it didn’t matter my grandma just passed away. Most visitors were quite capable of getting their own plate. Yet I kept getting requests to make a to go plate or a to stay plate. I should have given them a plate in the face. And don’t even get me started on a visitor who was trying to get a slice of a cake someone made for my cousin, while she was crying to the side. No one cares about getting you cake, food, soda or anything else. Get it your own self. You should be making sure the family is served, not the other way around.

Chapter 2: Age ain’t nothing but a number.

I know people mean well, but so many statements are annoying for a grieving family, such as, “I know what you’re going through.” Actually you don’t. You can empathize, but you have no idea. Avoid saying that. Also there is another phrase to avoid. I hated the question, “How old was your grandma?” Often when I answered, “In her 80s,” the response was, “Well she lived a long life.” Is that supposed to make me feel better? That doesn’t make the pain easier. She lived for 80 + years, but I only had her for 29 of them. She could have lived to 100, and her passing would have still been too soon for me. Just strike the entire “lived a long life” phrase from your mind.

Chapter 3: It’s a shame what you say.

People get shamed for everything, but it doesn’t make it right. It’s even worse when someone is grieving. I wrote a good thousand words about my family getting “shamed” (grief shaming and fat shaming specifically). So I won’t linger too long on this point. The key thing to remember is you don’t shame a person for how they grieve. Grief is not specific to one person in the family. We all have pain. And commenting on a person’s weight gain (or weight loss) is the quickest way to get told off. Or in my case, to get an article written about you and posted on an online publication (the pen is mightier than the sword).

Chapter 4: Gimmee, gimmee, gimmee

Don’t try to take items of the deceased from family members. I have developed quite the attachment to my grandma’s dusters. Not only do they make me think of her, but they are absolutely comfortable and feel fantastic. It’s like naked hour with clothes on (much to my roommate’s relief). One visitor had the audacity to tell me I better give her some of my grandma’s dusters. She was on the quick track to getting told off. Those dusters are my inheritance. Grieving families are under no obligation to give any of their loved one’s possessions away. Demanding something from them is just downright rude.

I could go on and on. I’ve realized people can be stuck on stupid when you’re just trying to grieve. The Incredible Hulk side of me almost came out, more than once and rightly so. Perhaps my future book, “Grief Etiquette 101- How NOT to Get Stabbed by the Bereaved,” will make the world a better place for bereaved families everywhere.

What etiquette tips do you have to share? Or is your grief etiquette lacking?

Goodbye Green Machine



What the Green Machine looked like in its glory days.

The Green Machine is no more. It fought the good fight and finished its course. My beloved first car has gone on to the great car lot in the sky. Contrary to its appearance and lack of maintenance I did indeed love the Green Machine. How could I not love it? It was my favorite color, kept on chugging along with nary a complaint and got me from point A to point B. I can fondly tell you about every single dent, scratch or spray painted spot on that car.

What's my age again?

Can someone please remind me of my age? I can’t seem to make it stick in my mind, and it’s starting to affect my goal setting.

No. 1 goal, finish my list.

How's my driving

Friends don't let me drive.

Riding with me while I’m driving will definitely make you feel closer to God. And it’s not just because I keep two Bibles in the car. I’m a horrible driver. Perhaps the world’s worse driver. There’s just no better way to put it.

The Principles of Envelope Addressing

Follow this guideline for envelopes.

Students don’t seem to know how to write letters, much less address an envelope, these days. I am on a crusade to make sure that changes. An interesting exchange with a student sparked my motivation for this cause. The way he addressed an envelope left me flabbergasted. The middle was left blank and he placed the address of the recipient in the upper left-hand corner.

The problem with preschoolers



Preschoolers = the Kindergarteners from Recess.

 It takes a special person to teach children, especially preschoolers. That person is NOT me.

I was recruited to assist with the preschool class at Vacation Bible School last week. I work with the youth ministry at church and even help out in Sunday School with the primary class when needed. A Vacation Bible School class would be easy. Or so I thought.

The definitive reunion

“Reunited and it feels so good!” Peaches and Herb were on to something with that song. It does indeed feel good to be reunited as I discovered during my class reunion last week.

reunion worries

My high school senior shirt.

Suddenly ten years don’t seem quite that long. In just two days I’m attending my first class reunion. Can you believe it? The days have gone by too quickly. It feels like just yesterday I was walking the halls of high school (actually I was because my job involves working with students, but you catch my drift). 

the letter

Dear Wesley,
Where's my letter?
Signed your friend,
Toni

Letter writing seems to be a dying art form these days. Facebook, Twitter and e-mail have done away with sending messages, except for the occasional Christmas card. Randomly I send letters or cards to folks whenever the mood strikes (usually at Easter and during the summer). In most cases, people either write me back or at least acknowledge receiving the correspondence. Such was not the case with a certain celebrity.

Green-I-am

Would you like green eggs and ham?

Green Eggs and Ham always was hilarious to me. Sam-I-am was just so persistent about getting the other character to eat the dish. The story was a good example of how we should be open to trying new things. Not to long ago I had my own green eggs and ham experience.

Hymnology 101

The leader always has this handy when lining a hymn.

Growing up a preacher’s child exposed me to a lot of church traditions throughout my childhood, such as hymn lining. Unfortunately future generations might miss out on it. A few months ago I watched a video about hymn lining becoming a disappearing tradition. Hymn lining is a form of call and response and dates back to slavery times within the black church. Typically a leader sings, or lines, the verses of a hymn in a suggested tune and the congregation repeats in kind. The leader chooses from a variety of meters to line the hymn to, such as common, short and long. Thus lined hymns might be sung in a different tune from how one normally hears it.

the pat down

Nothing to hide here

This time last week I was preparing to head to merrye olde England and gay Paree! Thursday at the butt crack of dawn (also known as 5:30 a.m.) I got up to shampoo and style my hair before we left. I knew we would be constantly on the go during the trip and didn’t want my hair to be a major concern. Also I didn’t want to give TSA a reason to pat down my hair. I’ve read horror stories about the experience. If celebrities have to go through pat downs, what hope would there be for me? Two-strand twists simply hanging down seemed like the best option to combat both problems. So I mixed up some curl-leeper (my fave product) and shea butter and twisted away. Typically twists are how I wear my hair during domestic travels. I never had a problem. Until this trip.

Bad children beware

Children are among my least favorite people. Actually, let me rephrase. BAD children are among my least favorite people. Too often I find myself surrounded by them. Many parents don't seem to think raising well-mannered children is a priority. Instead they let them run around like little heathens. Civilized society should not be forced to deal with their spawns of Satan. Perhaps that's why I was so sympathetic to the Dollar General employee who dispensed some old fashion discipline to a BAD child.

I'm a survivor

The roomie and I had a Scream marathon a few days ago. Between my screams every time Ghostface jumped out and ignored yells saying, “Call 9-1-1,” we discussed our survival plan for a similar situation. You’ve got to have a plan these days for everything. I’m still assembling my zombie apocalypse plan, but the one for a small town serial killer is ready to go and completely fool proof. We won’t be dying because of Ghostface anytime soon. Of course we initially wondered if I would make it to the end because the black person ALWAYS dies in horror movies/thrillers. Or do they? In recent years we’ve actually survived. Based on the movies I’ve seen, here are some of the actors who lived to fight another day: