True Confessions of a Goody Two-Shoes

Goody two-shoes was a nickname that followed me around for years as a child. But sometimes I wonder if the sobriquet was truly earned. It's not like I really had to work hard at it. Maybe I would feel a little better if my life was more like an after school special, or at the very least a D.A.R.E. (Drug Abuse Resistance Education) scenario.

That girl is poisoned

The Death Angel is after me again, and this time he’s using my eyesight against me. Sometimes I wonder if bats might have better eyesight than me. I’ve been known to walk into a mic or door a time or two. But usually my bad eyesight has never seriously impacted my health – until I woke up this morning.

The Principles of Envelope Addressing

Follow this guideline for envelopes.

Students don’t seem to know how to write letters, much less address an envelope, these days. I am on a crusade to make sure that changes. An interesting exchange with a student sparked my motivation for this cause. The way he addressed an envelope left me flabbergasted. The middle was left blank and he placed the address of the recipient in the upper left-hand corner.

the silent game

Last weekend I attended an improv show in Jax with a new friend. She rode with me to the show, but her fiancé was picking her up later. Not long after it ended, the fiancé was on his way. The show was in the downtown area, and somehow he got lost. Considering the roads and layouts of downtown, that’s not too hard to do.

The problem with preschoolers



Preschoolers = the Kindergarteners from Recess.

 It takes a special person to teach children, especially preschoolers. That person is NOT me.

I was recruited to assist with the preschool class at Vacation Bible School last week. I work with the youth ministry at church and even help out in Sunday School with the primary class when needed. A Vacation Bible School class would be easy. Or so I thought.

the letter

Dear Wesley,
Where's my letter?
Signed your friend,
Toni

Letter writing seems to be a dying art form these days. Facebook, Twitter and e-mail have done away with sending messages, except for the occasional Christmas card. Randomly I send letters or cards to folks whenever the mood strikes (usually at Easter and during the summer). In most cases, people either write me back or at least acknowledge receiving the correspondence. Such was not the case with a certain celebrity.

Green-I-am

Would you like green eggs and ham?

Green Eggs and Ham always was hilarious to me. Sam-I-am was just so persistent about getting the other character to eat the dish. The story was a good example of how we should be open to trying new things. Not to long ago I had my own green eggs and ham experience.

the pat down

Nothing to hide here

This time last week I was preparing to head to merrye olde England and gay Paree! Thursday at the butt crack of dawn (also known as 5:30 a.m.) I got up to shampoo and style my hair before we left. I knew we would be constantly on the go during the trip and didn’t want my hair to be a major concern. Also I didn’t want to give TSA a reason to pat down my hair. I’ve read horror stories about the experience. If celebrities have to go through pat downs, what hope would there be for me? Two-strand twists simply hanging down seemed like the best option to combat both problems. So I mixed up some curl-leeper (my fave product) and shea butter and twisted away. Typically twists are how I wear my hair during domestic travels. I never had a problem. Until this trip.

Bad children beware

Children are among my least favorite people. Actually, let me rephrase. BAD children are among my least favorite people. Too often I find myself surrounded by them. Many parents don't seem to think raising well-mannered children is a priority. Instead they let them run around like little heathens. Civilized society should not be forced to deal with their spawns of Satan. Perhaps that's why I was so sympathetic to the Dollar General employee who dispensed some old fashion discipline to a BAD child.

word problems

Everything is better with friends.

I have a confession to make: I suck at word games. Yes, it is a sad but true fact. My word game skills are severely lacking, despite being a spelling bee champion, avid reader and former wordsmith. Scrabble is never a board game you will hear me suggest playing. The Upwords game I had as a child was enjoyed by all of my family members, except me. The knowledge of my poor word game skills should make me stay away from all of them, right? Wrong.

n-word too deep

Yours truly is a mentor to several young people. I try to keep an atmosphere that is accepting and allows them to be who they are. For the most part they are respectful when around me. If they should slip up and say a bad word, I don't wash their mouth out with soap. I do say, "Language," and they get the message to keep it clean. But the other day I had to put one in check (in a nice way of course) about her word choice. Instead of cussing, she used the dreaded N-Word.

Play to win

I play to win.

There is one rule I live by when going to a shower event: play to win. Whatever game is thrown my way at a shower I play to win. It doesn't matter if it's a baby or bridal shower. Games can range from a bridal shower word search to baby shower bingo. There might even be 100 hundred other guests. Regardless of the situation there is one thing to keep in mind - I PLAY TO WIN!

No Shave November

You won't catch me out in public with my hairy legs showing.

“Sometimes I shave my legs, and sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I comb my hair, and sometimes I won’t. Depend on how the wind blows I might even paint my toes. It really just depends on whatever feels good in my soul ...” Video by India.Arie

Dreamland inspiration

I wonder what he's dreaming about.

Within the past four days I’ve had several weird dreams. Unusually I might have one weird dream every quarter. To have four in just a week has got to be a record.  I once read that dreams mean something. Mine make no sense; however, they are fairly entertaining.


I shared a dream a year ago with some friends. One of them used it as a basis for a book (Roller Derby Vampire Girl) which he wants to get published. Another of my weird dreams would make a good TV or novel series in the fantasy realm. Maybe one of the dreams I had this week could be the basis of another artistic venture.

I’m too lazy to pen a book, script or play myself. Perhaps you, my four readers, might be inspired to create something. Below is a quick synopsis of what I remember from the weirdest dream. Just give me a shout out in the book, moving credits or show premiere (and a check would be nice too). If by chance you have an interpretation of my dream, please share it.

The cat and the maiden

The cat in his favorite spot - the maiden's bed.

Once upon a time there was a beautiful maiden named Antonia who lived in a magical City filled with Lakes. For many moons Antonia lived alone with just a betta fish, Ralphie, but no friends in the city to really call her own. One day she met another fair maiden, K, who offered the promise of friendship (and cheaper lodging). Antonia packed her belongings and immediately moved in. And soon her days were filled with roommates – and cats.

A fair account

Yay for the fair!

The fair is in town this week! That can only mean one thing, or three – corn dogs, funnel cake and frozen lemonade galore. Last year was the first time I actually had the opportunity to simply enjoy the fair. During my reporting days I always had to cover it. Every day was spent at the fair writing about some angle. Then I switched jobs and participated in the fair fun. A couple of friends and I hit up the rides until our hearts were content. This was of course followed by a feast of fair food. I felt like a kid again enjoying all the fun.

for want of a cast

I have a confession. Growing up I always wanted a cast on my arm and underarm crutches. Don't laugh. Those two things were the epitome of cool in my opinion as a child. The ugly green-eyed monster would rear its head every time I saw someone who was lucky enough to get them. "Why couldn't it be me?" I wondered. I was, and still am, very clumsy. Yet I managed to never really hurt myself (until adulthood). I thought I would be the happiest girl in the world with a cast or crutches. Both just had so much fun to offer in my mind.

the apple remedy

Apples are the best remedy.

We’ve all heard the old saying “An apple a day keeps the doctor away.” It wasn’t until recently I learned how true it is. A pain in the behind medical condition, literally and figuratively, forced me to see the doctor last week. I was told to come to the appointment fasting because blood work might be required. Bright and early Friday I made my way to the doctor who checked my symptoms and made a diagnosis. Unfortunately I also got a shot in my hip. Thankfully I was given an oral prescription for the rest of the antibiotic (at least until Monday when I have to get another shot).

the saga of a snorer

Hello, my name is Toni and I snore. Quite loudly at that. OK Acceptance is the first step. Now I must find a way to end this problem. I didn’t want to believe that I snored. I thought people were mistaken when they mentioned it. But several people have told me on separate occasions that I snored. Hearing the same thing from three valid sources means it must be the truth. That could be the difference between me getting married or not. Who wants to marry the chick that snores? Reason no. 243 for me being a cat lady: I snore.

Rules for survival

Watching horror movies is all well and good – until it becomes real. It seemed like I was a character straight out of Scream for a split second. I’m glad it wasn’t a scene from a movie because I would probably have died. Some friends and I went to see Scream 4 Saturday evening. It was thoroughly entertaining and kept me guessing about the killer. We parted ways after the movie and dinner, but that’s where the trouble began. Horror movie rule no. 1: Never split up.

The bathroom was my first stop during a detour to Walmart. It was in a secluded area of the store, but I didn’t think too much about it. Horror movie rule no. 2: Never go to a secluded area, especially if its dark and you’re alone. No one was in the restroom, but a store associate came in later. While washing my hands she completely bypassed the sinks and left. “Ewww, she didn’t wash her hands,” I thought. I scrubbed mine an extra 30 seconds to atone for her uncouth habit.

Before leaving the bathroom, I grabbed a paper towel to open the door (because the associate didn’t wash her hands). Strangely the door wouldn’t open. That couldn’t be right, so I tried opening it again. Nothing! A closer look revealed the door was locked. The panic began. “Oh no! Ghostface is going to get me,” I said. Horror movie rule no. 3: Don’t panic because it will impact your thinking in a negative way.

There had to be a place to hide safely or a window to escape through. No such luck. Walmart wanted me to die. I panicked again and started pulling on the door with a passion. Dying was not on the agenda for the night. Finally the door started to open, but I froze. What if Ghostface was on the other side of the door waiting to slice open my neck and cut my guts out? I almost scampered away before noticing it was a manager at the door. The associate told her no one else was in the bathroom. Apparently the sinks and I were invisible. I was saved. Or was I? Horror movie rule no. 4: Don’t relax because that’s when you’re in the most danger.

Actually nothing else happened after that. I survived! Granted, I am still a little traumatized. I will never look at a Walmart bathroom the same again. Hopefully there isn’t a sequel to “Supermarket Lock-in.” But I’m ready just in case. Horror movie rule no. 5: Make sure you know the rules to survive a horror movie.