Wednesday, October 7, 2015

badonk-a-donk blues

Too much booty in the pants has never been a problem for me. Somehow I managed to inherit big boobs and wide hips from my family. But not the bouncy butt everyone else seems to have. My butt is wide and flat as a pancake. You can’t bounce a penny or anything else off of it. And of course family members and friends love to let me know about my butt or lack thereof just in case I thought for a second I was bootylicious.

I try to take my lack of a donk as gracefully as possible. I think God blessed me with a flat butt to keep me humble. If I had breasts, hips and a big ole booty, no one would be able to tell me anything. My milkshake would bring all the boys to the yard. All the girls would be single as I tried to beat the guys off with a stick. So I get it, one woman cannot be blessed with so many assets. But aside from giving me a flawless hourglass shape, a decent sized derriere would be beneficial for my health.

I don’t know of any research to back this up, but I swear people with flat butts tend to have more problems in that area. There is just not enough cushioning to help alleviate constant pressure on the backside. Thus you tend to have more cysts or abscesses wanting to form on the bottom. And don’t even get me started on how I have to sit on a pillow at work because my butt hurts in this chair. I know this is because my butt is flat. Most days I’m OK sitting, but if I don’t walk around enough, there will be tremendous problems. I even have an inflatable butt pillow to aid in the pressure. Even as I type these words, my butt is letting me know I need to get off of it ASAP.

Ideally I should get up several times throughout the day and walk around just to help my butt out. But usually I’m so engrossed in whatever I’m doing, I don’t think about it until it’s too late – when my butt starts hurting. Having a flat butt is a serious medical condition (even if my family and friends think otherwise). As someone who suffers from this condition, it is my goal to raise awareness. 

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