Thursday, February 5, 2009

Chronicles of Life … crying spell

It hit me while writing my latest obituary. Around this time last year I was writing my first one, except it wasn’t for a stranger.
My grandmother died one year ago today.
Time does fly, but I still feel the lost as if it just happened
That was one trip to Jacksonville I didn’t want to make. Then I didn’t want to leave when it was time to return to Hartwell.
I thought the tears would never stop coming.
I felt like life couldn’t go on and wanted to wallow in a dark abyss of sadness for the rest of my life.
“I have no one left in this world,” I remember telling one friend.
She quickly reminded me of my massive family.
“Are you serious?” she asked. “What about all those people at your graduation?”
Yes, even in sorrow I am overly dramatic.
At that time it seemed like the end of my world. I was a bucket of tears.
Then I thought about how my mom probably felt. That made me cry 10 times worse.
She took care of my granny throughout her battle with dementia. That is no easy task.
A lesser daughter would have probably run away from it or crumbled under the pressure. She was able to handle it with no complaints.
My mom set aside her own tears on many occasion.
I decided I wanted to be strong for her if nothing else. Yes, I had my moment, but I was OK at the funeral.
Even now I want to be strong for my mother.
It was hard at first because everything reminds of my granny. Certain hymns, the color green, even Florence my peace lily (I got it from the funeral).
I still think about her today, but surprisingly I don’t necessarily get teary-eyed every time.
Mainly memories of her make me smile.
It was the same way when my granddaddy died. I cried during the whole funeral and thought I couldn’t make it.
Now I take pleasure and solace in the sweet memories.
I know my mom has her fair share of sad moments. So I tell her to just let it flow, whether she’s at work, out in public or by herself.
Sometimes the person that’s normally the rock needs to turn into the waterfall. M mom and I have switched roles in that sense.
I still do have my crying spells. You know the ones where you can barely breathe and start hiccupping.
I let the tears fall for however long.
Just Saturday I was cleaning my house and saw a copy of the funeral program and obituary. Instantly I went into hysterics.
So for two hours I vacuumed and cried, swept and cried and washed dishes and cried. I even took a break from cleaning to cry some more.
Then as suddenly as it started, it stopped. Kind of like Florida rain showers.
It’s funny how that happens. Maybe its part of the healing process.
*No tears were hurt in the making of this note.*


  1. Thanks for this post. My grandmother passed away Tuesday after a stroke and just after her 96th birthday. I swear I started grieving when she turned 85 (I'm always planning ahead) and it's all just coming together now.

    The last week has been scary, hard and full of tears. I finally, today, went 12 hrs without any tears, but I'm scared of when they might come back. I broke down hard coming home from the gym last bawling, choking, screaming hard.

    The wake is tomorrow, funeral Saturday and I'm dreading it. I know it's what my grandmother wants, and that makes me happy, but knowing what my mother must be going through is rough.

    On top of that, my brother lives overseas and won't make it in for the funeral, and I think it has me angry at him for not being there for his mother and worried that if something happens to my parents, he'll leave me alone to take care of everything.

    So many emotions come up that it's just crazy. I'm thankful though, that my grandmother had a good life, a peaceful death, and so many people around that love her.

  2. Awww I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother. And right before the holidays too. I'm a bucket of tears at the drop of a dime, so I cry whereever whenever. Feel free to let it flow. My mindset is tears are toxic if held inside. I'm keeping you and your famiy in my prayers. P.S. Thanks for reading.