Wednesday, March 11, 2015

one year later

It's been one year since my grandma passed away. I still remember the last words we spoke to each other. Thankfully words of love. And I can't forget how she looked the last time I saw her face.

Those first six months after her passing were rough - extremely rough.  I didn't want to do much of anything. Staying in bed, unless I was seeing about family, was all I wanted to do. Everything just seemed too draining. Thankfully my friends helped me get back into enjoying life. Granted I still have my bad days.

Sometimes I'm happy and can think about my grandma without crying. We had years of good memories, and thinking about them often make me smile. But then there are days like today where every little thing makes me cry. Actually my waterfall of tears began Monday night. I looked at a picture of my aunt (not even my grandma, mind you) and next thing I was bawling for the rest of the night.

What made things worse was the fact my allergies are acting up. My nose was already runny, so crying just intensified the problem. I woke up looking like who did it and forgot to run. Sadly, I am not one of those people who looks fabulous during and after a good cry. Crying tends to make me look sick. But I digress.

I miss my grandma (both of them actually) every day, and it still hurts. At least the pain is easing just a bit. I was at 10, but now my pain feels like a 9.99. Some progress is better than nothing. I definitely think attending grief counseling helped a lot with that. Otherwise I might still be in my bed in a cocoon of sadness. And of course going to God kept me strong. Who better understands grief than Him?

In this year, I've gotten closer to some of my family. There is always a silver lining in every situation. My family has always been close-knit, but not we're even closer. I've also learned some people just can't empathize with your grief, and it's pointless to get mad. It just makes me want to make sure I can comfort others in their time of bereavement.

Sometimes it's still hard to believe my grandma is gone, and I'll never hear her voice or see her face again. But I know she's in my heart. Dealing with grief is like eating a camel. Just how do you eat a camel? One bite at a time. So I'll continue taking things one day at a time.

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