Thursday, April 23, 2015

mortality fears

It's bad enough that I'm overly sensitive. Hearing that a close family member is sick just pushes me to the deep end. Next thing you know I'm sobbing all over the place.

My dad just told me he must have major eye surgery on Monday. It's related to his diabetes supposedly, and the out patient procedure is about two hours long. Hearing the words surgery and two hours made the tears start coming. I kept it together while on the phone with him, but just as soon as we hung up I started bawling. 

I'm glad he told me. My family has a tendency of keeping bad news away from me. They think it will upset me too much (clearly I'm not helping my case). Honestly, I'm going to get upset either way, so they might as well tell me the news ASAP.

If I had to pinpoint a reason for my overactive tear ducts it would be fear. Surgeries always make me fear something will go wrong. I can't recall either of my parents really having surgery, especially ones that takes two hours long. And it's on his eyes. What if the doctors botch something up? There goes your vision. 

This also is forcing me to realize my parents aren't immortal. No one is of course. You would think I know that after just dealing with the passing of my grandma last year. That is not to say my dad is going to die from this surgery. But I am a daddy's girl. In my mind daddies don't get sick or need surgery. Granted he's been a diabetic since I was little and even went into a coma related to the illness. But I was so little when it happened that it's not even a distant memory.

I guess I've always taken for granted the serious complications of diabetes. I tend to just think of it as the disease where you either get it because you're overweight or in his case your pancreas doesn't work so you have to take insulin shots. Nothing major there right? Diabetes affects so many things, and I don't want to read about it right now lest I upset my self further.

The recovery time from the surgery is two weeks, and he can't read anything. ANYTHING (that would be hard for me). I've already volunteered to come read to him everyday. He turned it down for some reason. I'm trying to figure out how to rework my schedule so I can be with him before and after the surgery and until my mom and brother gets home. Otherwise my mind won't be at ease and my fears will be nonstop.

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