Thursday, March 1, 2012

The pre-screening

Forgot to post this last week.

Sometimes I wonder if there is a sign on my head that says “Losers welcome!” Most men who’ve approached me in the past and present weren’t worth two rusty nickels. But I sometimes didn’t realize that until after they got my number. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, but no one tells you upfront they are a waste of time. After some soul searching, I have decided to take charge of my future. From henceforth any guys asking for my number will have to go through a pre-screening questionnaire. It will help me determine just who is worth my time. I just can’t be bothered with everybody. Too many wrong answers will automatically dismiss someone. The questions are:

1. Do you have any children, and if so how many? None is ideal. One is OK. Any more than that is too much for me (especially if they all have different mothers).

2. Are you married or do you have a girlfriend? There is no legal separation in Florida. Either you are married or you aren’t.

3. Are you gainfully employed, and if so do you enjoy your line of work? I won’t cross a person off automatically for a no on the first part, but it does count as a strike against you.

4. Do you have a car and a valid driver’s license? A no would have been OK when I was in college. I’m 27 now. I refuse to chauffer anyone around.

5. Have you been diagnosed with any mental disorders? Crazy men need not apply.

6. Do you currently use or have you ever used drugs? Yes, weed is a drug. I live drug free.

7. Are you currently charged with and/or have you ever been convicted of, fined and/or sentenced for any criminal offense, including those for which a plea of guilty, no contest (nolo contendere) and/or adjudication of guilt was withheld? I am not giving criminals my number.

8. Do you have any bad habits such as smoking, gambling, excessive drinking, etc? You and your bad habits won’t be calling me.

9. Did you graduate from high school? I understand college isn’t for everyone, but please have a high school diploma (GEDs might be acceptable).

10. Are you a Christian, and what is your religious affiliation? Sorry I just can’t get down with atheists, Mormons, people thinking they’re coming back as cats, etc.

11. Do you live alone, with roommates or family? At some point you need to move out of your Mama’s house. Get a roommate if you must, but living in your parents' basement at 40 is not cool at all.

12. What is your age? The best range for me is probably 25 to 34. I’m not mature enough for anyone older than 34. But I also am not immature enough for anyone younger than 25.

13. What’s your relationship like with your family, especially your parents? True story: my ex-boyfriend hated his dad. That was no bueno for a daddy’s girl like me.

14. What are you looking for – a friend, Friends With Benefits, a relationship, undecided, etc? People need to be upfront with what they want so we can be on the same page. I’m definitely not interested in being FWB. Girlfriend is doable for the right situation. Friends are always welcome. But if you’re undecided I can’t help you.

Did I leave any questions out? Does anyone else think not too many people will make it to question 14? Am I definitely going to end up a cat lady now?

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