Sunday, November 15, 2009

Chronicles of Life … the movie critic

Sunday night I went to see 2012. Overall, it was pretty good with its ensemble cast. However, there were still a few flaws I noticed. Some might say I am being too nitpicky, but somebody has to speak the truth. Honestly though, none of my complaints really have to do with the quality of the movie … or do they?

Complaint 1: The movie was too long. Seriously, we all know this is an end of the world movie. How long does it take to depict the end of the world? Surely not 10 hours? Do not go see this movie and drink one of those giant cups of soda. You will have to pee. And don’t think sneaking to the bathroom will solve it. You can go, just like I did during one of those tender “I love you and the world is ending” moments. Just know two hours later the movie will still be going strong and you’ll have to pee again.

Complaint 2: They killed the cute guy. I know, I know, people are supposed to die in this movie. But did the cutest one of all have to go? Johann Urb, plays Sasha, a Russian pilot for some billionaire. Granted he wasn’t a major character. He might have had maybe 30 minutes out of four hours of screen time. BUT HE WAS BEAUTIFUL AND HAD AN ACCENT! Kill somebody else off.

Complaint 3: The kids are annoying. If I’m trying to out drive the Apocalypse, Junior better not get a smart mouth with me yelling, “What are you doing? Go faster.” I will pull the car over, amid tidal waves and earthquakes, and punch him in the throat. If you are not the one driving, then you need to shut up. Talk smack after we survive.

Complaint 4: Some crazy chic keeps worrying about her dog. I’m sorry, but Fluffy would just have to die. Fluffy survived, but did she? I’m not going to spoil it for you. Just know this, every creature for itself.

Complaint 5: I had no one to hear my side commentary. Yes, I talk during movies. My commentary is sometimes more interesting than the actual movie. Since I went alone, and the theater was half full, nobody heard me. OK maybe this isn’t really a complaint against the movie. I’m just saying, my commentary greatly enhanced the “2012” viewing experience.

Complaint 6: People keep dying unnecessarily. Several had a chance at getting away and chose to stay behind! What is wrong with people? This is not a joke. It is the end of world as we know it. SAVE YOURSELF! Somebody has to live to tell the story. By all means, it’s going to be me.


Complaint 7: Somebody forgot to read the Bible. Genesis 9:11 reads, “And I will establish my covenant with you, neither shall all flesh be cut off any more by the waters of a flood; neither shall there any more be a flood to destroy the earth.” If 2012 is indeed the end, water is not how it will be played out (they even had arks as the escape vessels). I think massive earthquakes and volcanic eruptions would have been a much better choice of destruction.

There you have it folks, my thoughts on “2012.” I really shouldn’t complain about the movie. After all, I only paid $5 to see it. Regal Entertainment Group is doing a promotion where all movie tickets are $5. Somebody call Ebert. I’m about to see every major blockbuster while I can. Expect more from this movie critic.

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