There is a Teenage Mutant Ninja Lizard in my house! I might have a nervous breakdown.
Unfortunately, I now live next to the forest. Seriously, lions, tigers and bears are probably ready to grab me for a meal. And don’t even get me started on how I think Jason, Jack the Ripper or Michael Myers is in hiding in the forest too.
Worst of all there are reptiles: creepy, crawly, scaly reptiles. I think I may have just made an enemy with one.
A lizard came into my apartment today.
I was minding my own business about to leave for work, when a little one immediately came in. It just ran in like it lived here. Call me a punk all you want, but all reptiles make me squeamish, no matter the size.
Immediately I began to scream.
I tried to swat it back out, but I only managed to cut off its tail. At least that’s what I thought it was wiggling around. For all I know a baby snake could have made its way in too.
The lizard did at one point almost go out the door. But then it decided to hide out in the crack between the door and wall. Of course the screaming started again. Next thing I knew, it was back inside.
It finally came to the point of do or die, me or it, now or never. So I manned up and grabbed my ant/roach spray and covered the lizard in the toxic chemicals.
You should have seen it squirm and such. The whole ordeal made me nauseous.
Once the deed was done, I continued my journey to work and decided to get rid of the body when I came home later in the evening.
I called my daddy to tell him of my epic battle. He was not very sympathetic to my plight.
At least the dreaded lizard was dead. I was the victor.
Honestly I sort of felt bad about killing. I probably could have figured out a better method of removing the lizard had I not been so hysterical (PETA please don’t come after me with pitchforks).
But what’s done was done. The lizard was no more.
Or so I thought.
Tonight when I came home from work, I looked in the exact same spot where the lizard and its tail was. And what did I see? NOTHING!
I DON’T KNOW WHERE THE LIZARD IS! IT IS COMPLETELY GONE FROM THE SPOT WITH NO FORWARDING ADDRESS.
I have looked everywhere. There is no trace of a dead lizard.
I called my daddy again and he said there is no need to worry. Lizards are harmless.
That’s easy for him to say. He’s not the one with a lizard, and a potentially mutated one at that.
Part of me is relieved that I didn’t kill it. The other part is about to pee on itself from fear.
That lizard is probably hiding somewhere thinking evil thoughts about me. So now I’m sitting here afraid that a 10-foot-tall mutated lizard is going to grab me out of bed tonight.
I for one will be sleeping with both eyes open, a blunt object and 911 on speed dial.